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hold it a fashion and a toy in blood's Journal

Monday, June 25, 2007

7:43PM - okay

jason was sentenced to 5 years of intensive-supervision probation for the theft case. he was jailed today for violating my order of protection against him (bond is set at $2500). the judge was "very firm with him."

Saturday, November 11, 2006

8:48AM - wedding anniversary / primal scream invitation

tonight i am holding a primal scream at 11:11pm, on the 11th day of the 11th month, at the minute of my 2-year wedding anniversary. please take part, wherever you are or find yourself to be at 11:11pm mountain standard time, by dedicating that moment to thoughts and actions of healing and the release of pain, in whatever way you choose. for yourself, for the universe, and for jason and myself. let's make this worldwide and wonderful. thank you sincerely.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

11:48PM - anyone who knows jason:

anyone who knows jason andrew (skaggs) mchenry / jasonwentcrazy / forlornithology:

this is just a brief post to let you know that my husband jason is incarcerated right now for stealing over $100,000 [edit: it's now estimated to be $200,000] from his last employer (their whole retirement)* and breaking the restraining order i have against him again. jason has been in jail for two nights now, "coming down" and in withdrawal from his heavy use of meth, crack, ecstacy, etc. jason's mother and i are trying to get jason mental and drug rehab help. if jason doesn't write in his journals for a while, this is why.

i learned many things about the man i married over the last 48 hours... that a lot of big things that he told me and others are totally made-up. i'm taking all of this news relatively well because my intuition never lied once to me during these two years; my gut feelings prepared me for the revelations/reality. i am not allowing comments on this post, and i think you can understand why.


* when i heard what happened, i cried, then gathered myself, taking a breath to call them immediately on the phone. i told them i was so sorry that all this happened, and i asked them what their favorite kind of pie is, so that i can bake it for them and have them over to my house. they said they were so thankful that i called them. so apple and pecan, it is. i will amass ingredients first thing tomorrow at work.

jason's horoscope:

A special day
Today, there are practically no transits of the swift moving planets to your natal chart - perhaps a good opportunity to go back to the long-ranging influences still effective at the moment. Of course it would make just as much sense to look ahead in order to prepare for the next long-term transit.

If you have a secret wish or an intention that you have been wanting to carry out for a long time, this would be the right day for it - especially if you want to be free of all kinds of influences to do it. However, decisions taken of your own accord are not written in the stars; perhaps you just want to relax today and simply be yourself.


my horoscope:

Quiet hours
Valid during several weeks: This is usually a peaceful time, when you will enjoy quiet hours at home, either alone or entertaining guests and feeling at ease. Barring a contrary indication from another influence, this is usually a time when you feel neither self-assertive and outgoing, nor shy and withdrawn. You feel amiable in a quiet way and are fond of having congenial people around you. Redecorating is often undertaken under this influence. You want your home to be elegant or gay and light. Fortunately, you are usually quite sensitive and in tune with your inner feelings, so that your home decorating efforts should be satisfactory. Try to avoid the usual tendency to do things lavishly or expensively, and keep practical considerations in mind.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Venus in the 4th House

Saturday, October 7, 2006

6:12PM - alphabet soup & the letter v

i made a black/white pepper, celery, diced garlic, egg noodle, finger eggplant, garam masala, hot green chile, in julienned sweet potato, kale, lengthwise-cut roma tomato, marjoram, nutmeg, olive oil, pesto, quinoa, red onion/potato, sage, thyme, unsalted butter, vegetable stock, with wild rice, (...x-rays of my teeth looked on with envy as i prepared it...) yellow onion zupa.

recently i've been remembering the veles, "the shade of our ancestors," of lithuanian folklore. they are seen "in the steam rising from food, in the reflection on the window, in the reflection on the inside of rings, and in dreams." last tuesday, senior discount day at my workplace, i stared at the wedding ring an elderly lady was wearing as she mentioned that her husband was waiting in the car to help her with her bags--such seemingly mundane small talk. of course she had no idea what sense of sadness and loss was brought to the fore in my heart by the brief exchange. after she left, i thought wistfully of how i had taken a picture of my maternal grandparents' wedding rings: the engraved date and their initials paired inside the bands, the same color of metal as this woman's... rose gold. my grandma's ring had seen its share of hard work--around the house (she had a child for every finger), the garden, and in world war II factories; its scalloped edge was broken in at least one place, bent and dinged in many others. i possessed only the blurry image of my grandparents' wedding rings, but i cherished the vision nonetheless. then i realized with a start that now i don't even have that. it, and all of my genealogical work over the last few years, are missing. as i am typing this, i learn something: the whole month of october is velines, in honour of the veles. since lithuanian families would reside for centuries in the same house or village, they held the belief that the veles guarded their family and home. i believe that the veles will help to bring my genealogical (art)works back to me, for safekeeping and for sharing with my niece annabelle who will be turning six this october 30th.


Visitation Ritual (Apgelai), a women's ceremony, is arranged when the child reaches one year of age:
"The name-mother, holding the child's head over a bowl of water, covered with a dipped-in cloth, cuts a small tuft of the child's hair. Afterwards, the cloth is taken off the bowl and wrung out. The mother, the name-mother and Pribuveja all drink some of the water.
The cut hair is later buried in the earth when planting a tree.
'Putineli raudonasai' is sung.
A tree is planted: an oak for a son, a linden for a daughter. The tuft of hair is placed under the roots. Graves of the ancestors are visited. Candles are lit."

Current mood: thoughtful

Thursday, October 5, 2006

11:52PM

i have been tagged by alabadore.

Write a journal entry for this meme with six random facts about yourself.
Then pick six of your friends list and tag them - no tag backs.
These rules should be included in your entry.

1. "it's a girl!" my mother had an out-of-body experience when i was born (c-section), and there was a total eclipse of the sun when my parents brought me home from the hospital. in the womb, i was face up with my hand on top of my head and my foot in my armpit; turns out that my mom had a life-threatening tumor that no one would have noticed if i had gone ahead and been born the natural/normal way.

2. when i was about 6 years old, i saved a bee with a blue stripe from drowning in richmond lake, and ever since then, bees and i have had an understanding with one another.

3. late last month, i bought 12 packages of fig newmans (a case) all at once, and about 10 minutes after making the purchase, i announced that i had already consumed 1/36th of them.

4. i sent my dad a book titled 365 ways to cook hamburger for his birthday this year (september 30th), inscribing on the inside flyleaf something along the lines of, "this should hold you over until your next birthday!"

5. i had my first drink of alcohol, a guinness extra stout (jason's favourite), on the evening of thursday, february 16th, 2006, just a few days shy of my 27th birthday. i found it to be totally overrated.

6. i wore the same dress to my middle school graduation, my high school graduation, and my college graduation. and i still have it and fit in it, too, should i decide to go for my masters or doctorate.

I tag...
chevrefeuilles
msspider22
unlikelyheroine
klimtkat
sanshryi
antiquitykin

11:33PM

i came home and thought arrow had been a relatively good dog, like he had been yesterday (considerin'!) while i was away at work for 8.5 hours. pretty soon, though, i got a bit sad upon my discovery: my dog took a great big doggy dump on, and peed on, my bed.

he massacred my purple jump rope, the best jump rope in the world, a possession dating back to when i was 9 years old, as near as i can tell. he destroyed the siphoning tube for the turtle tank. (luckily i got a very thorough tank-cleaning in, this morning.)
yesterday morning, he dug for two hours in the middle of my garden, finishing off my struggling sunflower and cucumber sprouts, tunneling a quarter of the way to china, and this morning, arrow took up where he left off on this tunnel project, straight into the mud created by my hard work emptying the aforementioned turtle tank of water. this necessitated a half-bath for arrow: legs and nose.

i'm making a sweet potato, red potato, kale, garlic, tomato, yellow onion, red onion, japonica/wild rice soup. and triple ginger cookies. and/or apple pies to fedex overnight, over state borders. painting the house, then mural-fest, editing 300 pages of dreams. finding something therapeutic for my psyche. tomorrow night, i will drink red wine. (for the first time.)

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

9:25PM - ohhh, i'm all over this!

October 4th Pluto is square the north and south nodes of the Moon. This resonates the recent eclipse at 29o Virgo particularly bringing transformative power into intimate relationships. Such transformation seems to come about from the light of awareness being shined on previously hidden matters. It can be a painful process, but pain relieving in the long run if we are willing [to] face our karmas.

(Paul Reeder, Arizona Choices Journal, page 9)

---


HOPE Animal Shelter is built on the foundation of Ahimsa.

Ahimsa is a Sanskrit word whose literal meaning is “non-violence”. But it has an infinitely higher meaning. It is a great spiritual force with a message of peace and selfless love.

Mahatma Gandhi used it specifically in the context of the way humans should behave toward animals – with kindness, gentleness, respect, and active non-violence.

“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” Gandhi

HOPE Animal Shelter proudly embraces the values of Ahimsa and will operate on its principles.

(http://www.hopeanimalshelter.net/html/about.html)

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

8:25PM

my own screaming woke me at 2 a.m., gasping in terror, in the first of two nightmares to be had last night. i scared arrow.

and now the meme you answer in only two words, from ms. pieni.Collapse )

Monday, October 2, 2006

6:13PM

the dog-inflicted injuries continue. last night, arrow jumped up, hitting me in the nose with his head. there was a very audible cracking sound when it happened. my nose is possibly not straight anymore. i can hardly tell in this light with it sore and bruised like this.

today is gandhi's birthday, a fellow infj. i spent 11 minutes in bed after the alarm went off in quiet meditation of love. then i made a buddhist a smoothie, scanned my fingerprints into the laptop, and downloaded music that i haven't heard in two years' time. i rode my bike up and down 4th avenue with arrow and with an increasingly heavy broken heart. i saw a friend's bike parked on 4th, which made me feel lonely. the lemon-yellow police gave me a talking to. i sat on the sidewalk with striped socks extended out in front of me, leaving three or four answering machine messages--all with the same basic gist: i am trying to be strong here. arrow has diarrhea, and i am worried. i broke down several times crying since fate would have it that i had to follow two couples holding hands. i am so sad over how bad everything ended up.

Gandhi learned nonviolence, he confessed, from his wife, Kasturbai. "I learnt the lesson of nonviolence from my wife, when I tried to bend her to my will." Gandhi wrote. "Her determined resistance to my will, on the one hand, and her quiet submission to the suffering my stupidity involved, on the other, ultimately made me ashamed of myself and cured me of my stupidity." Kasturbai taught Mohandas that nonviolence includes feminism, the practice of the equality of the sexes. Gandhi became an advocate of women's rights and maintained that if the world was to make any progress, sexism must be banned and forgotten. (http://www.forusa.org/nonviolence/62dear.html)

Current mood: just sitting here crying

Sunday, October 1, 2006

11:39PM - everything is connected

yesterday the drumming sounds of the children's powwow on my father's birthday made me cry as i rode my bike to work. i lived on the rosebud indian reservation for the first year of my life.

halfway into my workday, my coworker christina screamed. i immediately said to her, "it's a bug, isn't it?" she replied, "yes! i think it's a... praying mantis. is that what it's called?" i came over to register #2 and saw it, standing near the computer mouse. i immediately emitted, "awww." i plucked a small paper bag from beneath the counter, as my other coworker caleb's voice joined in, with affection too: "awwww." tears gathered in my eyes as i coaxed this graceful insect, folding and unfolding its hands, onto the flat of the bag. the brown paper travel vessel itself remained folded as i briskly walked out the door of the store and crossed the parking lot, asking the insect which tree it liked the best, playing the role of its real estate agent for a few minutes and enjoying the day! it sat patiently/knowingly, motionless, on the paper bag until i arrived at the choice tree, and then i stopped at its trunk and told the praying mantis that i think this is a safe place. it then opened its wings (to my half-surprise) and flew into its limbs and sky.

that evening arrow and i went to an art opening together and saw my friends' art. arrow cleaned up under the refreshments table! when we were dropped off at our home after the little outing, i could hear a group of college kids across the street singing "happy birthday" to one of their own. i dialed my dad on the phone just as soon as i got in the door and told him about the singing in the darkness at this, just past 10 pm, this singing on his birthday. he thanked me for the phone call, and he reminded me of my grandmother's peach cake, which i haven't had since circa 1989. my mom made him the apple version, at his request. my dad was born around 7 pm, and he reported that my grandma called him at that hour, singing in her wonderful voice over the phone to him. i've seen her sing once, at a wedding in pennsylvania. i can't remember what she is, though: alta? the rare one. i've been to three weddings; in order: someone i don't know (my grandma sang at the church wedding), someone i don't know (ricecricket's cousin on a georgia farm), and my own (in an underpass with a grocery clerk as the reverend).

tonight there was a flat/torn/"alligator" tire (and chills in my cheeks and neck) on the way to hear some teachings about love. i stood in line and presented someone else's flowers to a lama, letting her know whom they were really from. on my knees i told her about arrow as she smiled. i found flowers discarded in the trash and rescued them. everything went monochrome and lost contrast in my vision--pews, stained glass, chandeliers--except for the lama's face as i absorbed what she said. my hands tingled as we held our hands out, releasing and protecting the good karma created for the world, rippling out. i cried again as buddhist chants swelled. today is the birthday of chadwick, the reverend who married me to jason. i sat to chadwick's right and offered him a sprouting organic white onion for a gift. he said that i've already given him so much: a beautiful canopy bed to sleep in, curtains on the windows. afterwards i caught a ride home in a dove-white convertible from strangers-turned-friends--one of whom knows the soho street artist who creates praying mantises and other insects out of grasses. i'll never forget seeing this weaver on my first of two brief trips to nyc and how i couldn't buy one of his delicate artworks because i was toting about 40 pounds of surrealist art book souvenirs already--too afraid it would be crushed!

discovered that arrow mangled, in my absence, my library book about the asian animal zodiac.

how's life?

Friday, September 29, 2006

11:41PM

i tried my best to give jason closure. we were still in love, or so i thought. he began to suck me back into the cycle of this dysfunctional abusive relationship.

today it has to end. it is really, truly over. jason has been projecting all of his abusive behavior onto me, shirking his own accountability in his often criminal and cruel actions and words, and he has been planting nasty lies and fabrications in my friends' heads about me. complete untruths. i will never understand why jason felt that he held the right to discuss the deep scar on my labia with people that i hardly even know. to what end??? he exposed me at my most private moments, in my most vulnerable states, to the world, over and over again--but through a manipulative, destructive, and hatefully distorted lens. he is lying to people about me, making up horrible untrue yarns of tales that have absolutely no basis in reality, truth, or love.

all i ask is that jason allow me to just live my life in peace without his influence. it is all too apparent to me now that jason is out to ruin my life, isolate me from my friends and family, defame me, and make me miserable, artless, afraid, and enslaved to him. i was born on the pisces-aquarius cusp of sensitivity, and i gave millions of second chances to him, but in the end, the result of two years' efforts on my part, giving 157%, is that i have been taken advantage of by jason on every level, and still to this day he is trying to control me and use me and the hurt he deals out continues to assail my soul and those near me. i cannot endure any more of the pain he has inflicted on me. i do not have anger toward him, and i am not vengeful. i just want him to leave me alone. i want him to allow the divorce to go through. i want jason to move out of tucson, my home since 1997, and leave me be. i want him to stop harrassing and threatening and manipulating my friends, family, and their pets; jason has, by and large, succeeded in his attempts to drive social support away from me in this trying time. i can't even really care anymore that jason retains my hard drive and back-up cds, the only existing copies of my documented dreams, artworks, and diary from the last three years. i am lucky to have escaped with my life and my sanity.

jason, let me go. it is over--really over. it is a heartbreaking shame that jason has put so much of his energy toward trying to besmirch my relationship with the world and the way the world views me (his wife!), shake to the core my trust/belief in humanity and goodness, wreck my friendships, steal from me my art, my sense of security, trust, love, and self-value. it's such a terrible waste because he could have chosen to channel all of that into making art and making the world a better place. it is sad. i hope he turns things around and refocuses his energy on something positive. i am more certain than ever that only he can control the destiny, outcome, and quality of his own life for the better. i cannot. lord knows i tried. i am the captain of my own ship, however, and i am steering my life to calm, happy waters and never returning again to the undertow, whirlpool, and tempest. i choose the positive and must abandon the negative. i choose love in my life and abandon the hate.

on a plane that is more genuine than jason could ever muster despite all his rhetoric,
kat pukas-mchenry

2:15AM

1. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
no.

2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
bake 1,000 lavender chocolate puddings. or make a mobile?

3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
the bangles, the eurymthics, u2, cyndi lauper, the cure.

4. What is the best thing about your job?
great friends/co-workers/customers. free organic food. paid time off.

5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was required in class?
everyone thinks i'm seven years younger than i really am. chalk it up to clean livin'!

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
lithuania and finland. or at least the east coast.

9. Quote a song lyric:
"And when i see you
Kitten as a cat (ow)
Yeah as smitten as that (ow)
I can't get that small
The way you fur
The how you purr
It makes me want to paw you all"

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
old.

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
no, thank gawd.

13. If you could be an animal what would you be?
tonight i choose to be an otter.

14. What state/country are you from?
tucson, arizona, domicile sweet domicile.

15. Tell us about the last conversation/s you had.
i was calmly asking questions with my voice quiet and quaking. after being yelled and sweared at repeatedly, i stated slowly that his side of the conversation was too negative and therefore i was getting off the phone. i hung up.

16. Where do you see yourself in one month?
still paying for this laptop.

17. What is your favorite smell?
lemongrass, vanilla, ginger.

18. What is your favorite sight?
arrow's tail wagging lately.

19. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
call me crazy, but no, i don't at all.

21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworkers?
no, they could spit in my face and i'd still hold the door open for them when we leave together. that's just a pisces for ya, though.

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
soon, sooooooooooooon.

23. Have you ever played Spin the bottle?
i guess i did. the girls-only version. we told secrets, and i remember jenni's.

24. Have you ever toilet-papered someone's house?
no.

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
but of course.

26. Have you ever gone camping?
yes, but not in years.

27. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's friend?
he would be a ghost too. nope.

28. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
no.

29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
no.

30. Have you ever had a stalker?
yes.

32. have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
dana kourt can put that skill down on her resume!

33. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober one?
that's the only way i'd ever go.

34. Have you ever been cheated on?
yes.

35. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?
yay.

36. Have you ever lied to your parents?
it's the only way to get out of the house sometimes.

37. Have you ever been out of the US?
manitoba, quebec, and sonora.

38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
no.

39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month?
no, but one time i broke my tailbone so badly that i had to sit on a pillow for a month.

40. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
lord no.

41. Have you ever gotten so wasted you can't remember the nite before?
no, but there's still hope for me to accomplish this so honorable feat in my short remaining lifetime... if i have the determination and what it takes, et cetera.

42. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?
no.

43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?
technically, yes. but he became my coworker a long time later.

44. Kissed more than one person at a time?
no.

45. Pot?
no.

46. Do you think the person you copied and pasted this from is hot?
yeep. she is hawt.

Friday, September 8, 2006

12:37PM

everyone, i have a restraining order against jasonwentcrazy / folornithology / my ex-husband-to-be, filed august 24th, and he has been booked twice out of three times violating it in the past few days.

on august 14th i found pictures of my diary, my work schedule, and my phone card numbers stored on jason's digital camera. he tried to blame it on the maintenance man, but he must have gotten a key to my apartment #29 somehow (he used to be on good terms with the past apartment manager before jason beat him up). soon after that, jason robbed my apartment, stealing artworks i made long before i knew him, the photo album i'd worked on for a full year, my social security card, the hard drive out of my computer, my paper diary documenting my dreams and life for the latter half of the year 2005, all notes he wrote me, my copies of the divorce papers i filed against him in june, and many other sentimental objects. the apartment manager immediately let me out of my lease in face of the situation. i had NO sense of security in my apartment anymore, only dropping by my place to feed the turtles and take a shower before work each day for about a week-long stretch as i searched frantically for somewhere to move. i quickly moved to a new place and only told dear friends where i went, no mutual friends. apparently jason had me followed (and/or the great mass of fine people who came together and helped me move so rapidly) and jason found out where my new undisclosed location was. he was calling me at work in the days after i moved, threatening my friends and telling me, "i know where you live," and again with the "adulterer"/"slut"/"suck dicks" harrassment. on august 31st at about 8pm, i was trying to arrive home from work to my new little place, and i saw jason standing in the shadows 20-30 feet from my front door, when the order of protection calls for him to stay 100 yards away from me, my residence, and my workplace. he was out there on my street for over a half hour, lying in wait for me, knowing what time i got off of work. very recently i got a cell phone for emergencies, and now he found out that number too. i changed my number today. i called my parents to tell them that jason had been put in jail for the second time this week for breaking the restraining order, and was floored again. my parents told me with great relief upon hearing my voice on the phone that they had been communicating via email for the last 3-4 days with someone posing to be me and writing from my long-lost compromised email address couscous.quick@gmail.com, which i haven't had access to since april, and they thought that i has gone completely, completely insane. i've been informed of the "hate kat club" that jason is trying to form at the journal forlornithology.

jason has a girlfriend and is somehow dividing his time between stalking me and wooing her.

jason, please seek psychiatric help. someone, please warn his girlfriend.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

5:39PM

a very very very very happy birthday to the edge of u2.

<3

please comment with your mailing address and/or phone number (and then delete your comment)... because i'm writing a long happy letter every evening, often illustrated, and you should be on the list for goodies. i'll write you poems and draw you pictures of turtles and cucumber vines, send you packets of tea. nothing can stop me.

tulsi!

love!

meow!

Current mood: well-heeled!

Monday, June 26, 2006

9:11AM

i bought myself so many flowers last night (after/because i heard that yesterday, at about 5:30pm, jason was served and claims that he did sign the divorce papers):

calla lilies (in pink) like my maternal grandmother had in her wedding.

mona lavender, so magical, floating mini-trumpets/butterflies up from dark midnight leaves.

and the tallest, deepest red orchidiola/gladiolas.

the callas i placed behind my grandparents' picture--the one that i created by combining their separate communion photos, making them hold hands as kids though they didn't really know each other then, the nine-color japanese woodcut artwork called (yo)u(th)nity. i'd made the art while my grandfather was having eye surgery, meditating on him for days on end as i worked.

the mona lavender is by my bed to bring good dreams. calming. admittedly, it's not working yet; last night's was a frenzied mare about jason picking the locks of my apartment. but give it time. if i could, because of the preliminary injunction, have one night without him beating my windows so hard that glass ginseng bottles jump from the sill, screaming "fucking baby!" at the top of his lungs from the courtyard up at my window, and threatening me that "now we're enemies"... if i could, because of the preliminary injunction, have one morning when i wake naturally from my slumber instead of being always rudely awakened by him knocking on my door, not announcing his name, demanding entrance into my abode, and then washing most of my dream-memory away with his constant pessimism and crying/yelling... that'd be great. if i could rub the preliminary injunction like a genie's lamp!

the red sunflowers that i got myself the other week hang upside-down to the right of my never-to-be-unfinished painted-in-a-day triple portrait in oil of my namesake/great-grandmother and my paternal grandfather and great aunt laura as toddlers. on top of the blooms of this inverted bouquet, i've nestled a photo of me as a child, dwarfed and shy by a huge sunflower face that i embrace, a russian mammoth, i think--this photograph is supposedly one of the objects that i "stole" from jason. ...okay!? like my wedding rings and my artworks (all of which he "stole BACK" from me during one of his visits into my apartment, that devil), i simply didn't realize that my childhood photos are not really mine. i always thought that my art and photos were mine, so i took them from old apartment #4 without a thought. then the word "thief" started getting thrown around, to my surprise and shock. turns out that according to his logic, my artworks made long before i knew him, and my photos taken at a time long before i knew him--are his?! menticide? i can scarcely believe that the ownership of my own one-of-a-kind art creations and of my own childhood ephemera has been dismissed and challenged, challenged every single day, for months on end now. he is still holding them for ransom, and i feel like i'm the mother weeping over the abduction of my babies. my art babies. when i try to shrug off the endless psychic pain of the situation by setting up my own boundaries, i'm suddenly cast as the evil one; i had stated that i will not talk to him and that i will not take him on a road trip with me until i get my things back. he says that "giving them to me" has to be on his terms, a time decided by him. well, it has to be at least partially on my terms, too, and only respectable to myself and to my principles, that i will not sleep with the enemy who is procrastinating the end of my pain. it's simple: give me my art and my childhood photos back. until then, i don't want to see you. why would i want to go on a road trip with my enemy? how much fun can i have with someone who doesn't respect me enough to return my art and childhood photos? or even on the most basic level, why would i want to spend friendly time with the one person on earth who is bringing me so much pain and holds the power to switch it off at any time but is delaying it because of his own pride? i'm not a sado-masochist, not weak, and not stupid, alright? it's up to him. the timing is up to him. entirely.

anyway. the gladiolas explode in velvety russet by my papercutter and my buttonmaker. perhaps today i will make the first of a thousand one-inch buttons.

love,
your infj / pisces-aquarius cusp gal

Saturday, June 24, 2006

10:14AM - sorry

attempting to get a mole out of my journal, so the friends-list is in reenrollment mode.
but better yet, just write me a postcard, okay?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

9:24AM

It is true I have pain in my heart. My hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband is writing and doing this and worse to/about me: http://forlornithology.livejournal.com/11148.html
After leeching off me in every way for two years and throwing me out of my own apartment countless times.

Make it end. I just want joy and creativity and generosity and love in my life, so that's what I give.

*Sigh*
I need friends at a time like this.

Always with sincerity,
Kat, born on the Cusp of Sensitivity

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

11:48AM - broken heart

< / 3

Sunday, April 16, 2006

7:18PM - likely my final post in this journal as i'm due for reincarnation now

easter sunday, 2006

temple, cathedral, church:
     swingset, mountain, sea.
voices in song swell around me,
carried under, over and over, to convulsions of tears
and with depth i pray to gods, goddesses, spirits, genies,
     to the soil and to the winds:
          please protect jason.

wishing, bowing head, weeping
     at the mere word
          desert.

and children.

     son.

          and daughter.

emptiness.

but hundreds upon hundreds of pasqueflowers
     have opened their dawny galaxy breath,
          honey-tousled for just these few hours.
as they sigh their last and only to close away,
     my eyes focus upon a lone house in the distance
          with knowledge that a girl received her first kiss inside.

12:01AM - eve of vanilla, lavender, chocolate

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five baby orchids i planted myself,
inexpectant of sudden smile sparking at the corner of his lips,
mesmerized by architecture: rooflines, dimples, slope of nose,
stumbling, light-filled old apartment on the 2nd hardwood floor,
yet another's shy fingers thrum (olive complexion chromosome?),
complimenting my scarf.

i will keep waving until the smoke grows sweet.

happy easter to dashi, dandelion, and jupiter.
we'll be together soon,
but in the meantime, i'm sending this along to heighten your holiday celebration:

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even your mom was once so little like you. see?
i'm really still small, but my heart is huge,
and i love you so much, so much, my sweetpeas.
i hold everyone inside my heart,
cradle you in my irises,
and i myself sleep curled inside the orchid that has swallowed me.
i'm still so small
and safe.

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renewal, rebirth,
gentle beauty and peace.

Current mood: see icon (bunny ears engaged)

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